I don’t know what’s compelling me to get back to writing here today, but I’m going to go with it.
A friend shared this post by Paulo Coelho on Facebook last week, and it resonated so strongly for me, despite the fact that I practically didn’t even read it – it was as though there was a perception filter that wouldn’t allow me to really go word by word, rather I took it in as a whole idea. Now as I sit here listening to the soundtrack to Hamilton, looking at my dozy cats, appreciating the dying sun of the day, and preparing to spend another evening with chosen family, I feel like the time is right for me to sit with it in earnest.
This year is about self-care, of all parts of my self. As Coelho says, “One always has to know when a stage comes to an end,” and I think the stage I’m ending is one of indifference toward myself. A few years ago I was going through the motions but my heart wasn’t really in it, and over the last year or so, even the motions ground to a halt. I’m ready to start participating in my life again, deeper than the surface. The word “authenticity” strikes a chord in me today; I crave it in others and feel a spark of joy knowing that I am presenting my own authentic self. I don’t feel as though I have been anything less than genuine with the people in my life, rather that I have not taken or made opportunities to expose the deeper “me” to new people. I have shied away from experiences that would make me vulnerable, perhaps because I felt fragile already? or maybe I was simply tired from a time of radical realness without replenishing the energies I expelled. In any case, I think I’m in a better place to find balance, and to embrace the actions and choices that will both challenge and support my own well-being, in all ways.
Here goes everything.