I haven’t written anywhere in a long time. I’ve put it off, more out of a lack of motivation than an active writer’s block or similar obstacle. But, the only way to stop not-writing is… to write. Right? Right. So, hi. Here I am.
My grandmother died at 1:50am on October 18. My aunt April, my sister Kayla, and I sat with her as she took her last breaths, and I was glad that April asked that the oxygen tube be removed. I wanted Mamau to do it on her own. I think she would have wanted that, too.
She was buried in her minister’s robes… and the purple and hot pink “Nerd” tube sock I gave her. I was going to ask her if she would take it with her, but I didn’t have to… She refused to have it taken off.
Life since then has been… All of the things. I’ve reconnected with my Uncle Matt, who I’d not seen in two decades plus. I’ve made an absurdly last-minute weekend trip without one shit given for the money I spent that I didn’t have. I’ve waited for the other shoe to drop – for Mamau’s death to hit me. I’ve received love and support from unexpected sources, and not heard a word from people I thought would at least send their condolences. I’ve had wonderful and horrible experiences with immediate family members. I’ve been completely useless at a wonderful Thanksgivukkah dinner and not apologized to my chosen family hosts for not cooking or cleaning enough, even though I really want to, and kind of am right now.
I’ve also belly danced. And will start a new session January 15.
And shit, now I’m crying. Maybe for the first time since the last time I wrote. And this… this is why I need to write. And why I’m so grateful for you. You, reading this. I’m just gonna publish this now, cuz, yeah. It’s about time.
[INSERT PICTURE HERE. Because wordpress hates me right now and if I don’t just publish this shit now, it’ll be left in drafts forever. Is Mercury retro again so soon???]
When you’re ready, you write. And all the other things you think you’ve neglected. Or not. You owe no one an explanation. For some, it gets easier, for others it does not. I think that is up to you. Don’t be rushed. Just. Be.