I don’t think I’ve ever walked into Richard’s sunroom and grabbed the box of Kleenex before I even sat down. The first words out of my mouth were, “I’m feeling really vulnerable and fragile and I’ve had a really shitty week and I’m glad to be here.” I told him why today is particularly hard, then a bit of why my week has been so challenging, and then… He made it all better. Not in the “kiss the boo-boo and now it’s all better” sort of way, but the “take a look at this and tell me what you see” way that made me realize… I’m better. Better than I was a year ago, WAY better than I was six years ago. I see things about myself more clearly now, and am making better choices – not every time, and not always right away, but more quickly and more frequently.
I see myself a year, or six years, or fifteen years ago, in others, and it frustrates me not to be able to save them the years of struggling, the lost joys, the internal battles. My powerlessness consumes me and makes me angry and I lash out at others and at myself. But this isn’t a destination. My journey is ongoing, and there will be missteps. I need to remember to be kind to myself as I work to heal the bits of me that are still broken or in some stage of repair. I need to recognize the things in my life that retraumatize me and allow myself to protect or pull away. I’m not all better yet – but I’m some better. And I owe it to myself to continue to create an environment that nurtures and supports my growth, and to others to grow even if it means taking a time out. I want to offer my best self to the world, and I can only achieve that through kindness and love and forgiveness and gentleness.
This song came on as I was driving home from time spent with some amazing ladyfriends. While it doesn’t directly apply to my life, it has always struck a chord in me, and it reminded me that it’s okay that I don’t always have the answers, and I sometimes have half-formed thoughts, and I say things that aren’t my most genuine self when I feel lost or threatened or confused. I’m still learning me, and I don’t have to understand everything or explain anything or be “on” all the time. I get to have the same lenience I give others, and to forgive myself for… everything.
Including rambling, circular, not-rereading-or-editing blog posts. So there.