I have swirled tonight’s post around in my head for hours, testing different ways to say all of what is in my heart and mind. It’s just not ready yet, though, so I’m going to let it simmer over the weekend and see if some quiet time off in the woods with some wonderful people helps me wrap myself around it.
A couple of items of note, though – this place is eerily quiet without Joshua. It feels okay; I don’t have a need to turn things on or do busy-brain stuff to keep myself out of my head. I imagine there may be some of that over the course of the week, but I’ve come a long way since the last time I was forced to sit in silence. This time, it can be a choice.
I realized tonight that this will mark about a year since the “official” end of my last “official” relationship. I was thinking about Joshua coming home from camp, and wondering if he might have some anxiety about it, even if he doesn’t realize it, because of what happened last year. I’m going to make sure things feel familiar and comfortable for him when he gets home; no big surprises.
Last year at this time, I would have reacted to the tragedy that struck my chosen family Sunday very differently. Tonight, it really became clear to me why codependent behaviors are selfish. That was a pretty huge breakthrough, and it felt good to know I’ve grown and am a better friend for it.
When we got the news, we were with people who are new in my life. Good people, I knew, but how good I wouldn’t know until they gathered us both up and held us close and took care without taking charge or invading on what was a very personal trauma. I am so grateful for new and abiding friendships and the kinds of people I am inviting into my life.
Now to wrap up the magical making of food for camp, throw some laundry in, and wash off the day and its sweat and tears.
It was all so surreal Sunday but what a blessing you and your friends were to me. I felt safe, cared for and supported. I am still in the middle of a bizarre death circus not knowing which way is up but I have confidence with living friends, old and new, family by birth and by choice, we will all be OK.
Sending you so much love and wishing for a long walk in the woods this weekend, too. Enjoy it for me and raise a glass in my honor. I will be with you all in spirit.
You are always with me, darling, and will be on my mind and in my heart every minute. xoxo