Life has felt particularly roller-caster-y of late, with the most prominent comparison not actually being the ups and downs, but the lack of control I
feel have over any of it. Which, as I was reminded in my meeting with my sponsor tonight, is a good thing – if I can admit that I have tried to control everything and it hasn’t exactly produced a life I can consider a great success, then there’s a solution. If I won’t admit it, well, then I’ll just keep doing the same things over and over, and we all know what happens then.
The step process my sponsor is using with me is aligned with, though different from, the process for someone in AA. The third step, however, which I did tonight, is pretty straightforward. I chose a place that means something to me and elected to execute the step in solitude, though I held within my heart the support and love I feel from people who are central to my life. As I drove home, I felt like the guy in Love, Actually; the one who pours his heart out to Keira Knightly’s character on poster board while pretending to be a Christmas caroler. I wound my way up the road and thought, “Enough. Enough now.” And felt, perhaps not an enormous relief, but as though I have given myself permission to feel relief. To move into the steps that require action without the weight of everything and everyone that touches my world in any way influencing my work. And tomorrow, the “real” work begins – I don’t think she has any idea what a 7:45am phone call from me is gonna look like, but hey, I’m not running this show. See? I’m already learning. :)
Because I know everyone loves crazy cat lady stories, I have to share this pretty perfect analogy for my life that occurred upon my arrival home after this cathartic third step business. First, I see my darling Xander performing his boudoir-stretch, then he comes over to climb up on my boob to say hello:
Not to be left out of the fun, next, it is Iliena’s turn:
Super adorable and full of happy, right? I gave them some love then headed in to say hi to Joshua and have him start his reading time. I came back to find Xander making the delightful noise a cat makes right before it’s sick. He is, then slinks away because he feels bad, while Iliena, ever the helpful sister, inspects and begins to attempt to cover it by scratching the floor around it (not pictured. You’re welcome). Aaaaaand, down we come off the cute-kitteh high. But, what can ya do on the roller coaster of life but clean up the cat puke, wash your hands, and move on? So, here’s to more boob-climbing cuteness, less hurking and barf, and increasingly heightened ability to shrug the latter off when it happens. Cuz it’s gonna happen, and while it’s always gross, it’s best if you get it out of sight quick-like so you don’t step in that shit later.