Sometimes, what I deal with post-therapy is a lot more triggering than what I experience in the session itself. During tonight’s session, I discussed some shit I haven’t thought about in any detail in a long time, felt defensive about things I’ve not been confronted on lately, and handled it all with a fairly low level of emotional response.
This should have told me something, kids.
I am an emotional person. Overly so, as I’ve been told from birth, pretty much. So when I’m talking about things from my past and a therapist can’t hide a flicker of horror… The fact that I’m all, “Yeah, and then this happened and this and it was like, oh, right, and then…” without a modicum of emotion… it’s gotta come out sometime.
I need to learn perspective. The fact is, since I’ve lived through a lot of stuff most people (thankfully) can’t even imagine, I look at things that are kind of a big deal as run-of-the-mill. I don’t even remember/think about most of the stuff from my past as contributing to my present. But every once in a while, it’ll get touched on, I’ll have an episode of verbal diarrhea, and realize, “Oh, right. That may have something to do with EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN PAYING YOU TO HELP ME FIX ABOUT ME. Guess I should have told you that when I met you back in May, huh? ….Oops?”
I am really proud of myself, though, for the growth I can see in myself over these last few months. This past weekend presented a perfect storm for my codependent “superhero” side to come barreling to the front of the line… but I didn’t let that happen. And you know what? THE WORLD DID NOT END.
I think maybe I am going to buy myself a new pair of shoes for that shit. And some glitter. Cuz that’s a big deal, y’all.
Anyway, that leads me to gratitude. Since Lisita Bonita decided to put the smack down on me, I will hit 5 a day. So here ya go, in no particular order…
I am grateful for:
Opportunities to see how far I’ve come. Holy shit. Still.
Early February days that feel like late April weather-wise.
Things coming together with regard to Joshua’s academic needs – met with the psychologist who evaluated him this fall and have a better grasp on what we need from the school system; meeting with them next Monday. Also? Official diagnosis, now that we’ve had the opportunity through structure and a supportive environment to determine his actual abilities – Asperger’s. Oh hey, let me find my surprised face.
Red and his wife.
Love from so many people, shown in so many ways. I’m covered in it, really, every minute of every day. We should all be so lucky.
What are you grateful for today?