Retroactive letting go.
Last night, I stumbled upon something that caused me a mix of several unsavory emotions. I immediately went to a place of fear and shut myself off to the future, based on this small bit of data about which I know very little. I reached out to a support with my immediate, heated, hurting reaction, and tried to put it away and put myself to sleep.
It was still very much present in my mind this morning, but I felt better able to contemplate possible alternatives to the doom-and-gloom that had jumped into my head in the wee hours when I am already most vulnerable. I spent a little time in a private journal and realized that I was reacting from the mindset I was in last month, a place in which I was aware that I had expectations and, to some degree, aware that they were not being met. I still have some feelings to work through, I will still want to talk about it if a time comes when it’s appropriate, but in the meantime, I’m going to focus on letting go of the expectations I had last week, and last month, and the month before as I’m confronted with them. New expectations are not the only ones that can cause future disappointment, and I’d much rather catch them and recognize them for what they are – setups for future pitfalls.
And how silly is it that we do that to ourselves? I mean, not that it’d be better for us to do to anyone else, either, but really? Past Kirsten really had it in for me, and she’s not even around anymore to giggle as I stumble into her (many) little traps. What a bitch.